Thursday, October 04, 2007

Adopt & you’ll get pregnant!

We’ve been over this, no?

I met a man last week who seemed miffed at the thought that people would link infertility and adoption. Him & his wife have adopted many children & are fighting big for orphans. They did not struggle with infertility (so I gather, from my husband). They knew God had ordained their family & had picked out their children. They adopted.

I was discussing their situation with another person a few days later who implied that adoption is THE answer to infertility. That adoption is what you do when you can’t get pregnant. Okay God: you won’t give me a baby – I’ll go get one of my own. This turned into a group discussion with mostly people who have no clue about our infertility history, or our losses or involvement with adoption agencies for that matter. And OF COURSE the talk wouldn’t have been complete with “Well, everyone knows that if you adopt, you’ll end up pregnant.” Oh, for heavens sake … this is where I mentally exited the conversation. Tons of people adopt and never get pregnant. Praise the Lord when they do! It’s wonderful, that’s why you hear about. No one ever goes around telling stories of the couple who adopted, and then didn’t get pregnant. Statistics people! Aside from all of that frustration in my brain, I had to defend the fact that adoption is not “plan B”. If you’re in it looking to get a child (any child) you’re in it for the wrong reasons. If you have a calling, a desire, a passion to impact the life of a child and welcome them into your family – with a completely selfless heart (which is what it would HAVE to be), than THANK GOD for you.

My mind has been struggling with the two extremes (and I’ve decided to not talk to other people about it for at least a week, b/c I am a bit numb from others’ opinions – thus I am blogging where really I can say what I want and you have no choice but to just listen). Adoption is not the answer to infertility, no. It is not plan B. It is not second best. It is a higher calling to give up your heart and your life to a child. It is completely the highest thing one can do, to give up oneself for another (something I learned a lot about this week). However, I do believe God can use infertility as a path (a long and dark one at times) that lead’s you to adoption. I personally, first handily know couples who would have never thought about adoption had they not been infertile. Now they have full families, children from other parents, other countries, other races. Their families are complete and they know God hand picked those children to be their son/daughter. They couldn’t imagine it any other way. They wouldn’t want it any other way.

So I find myself somewhere in the middle, albeit frustrated with people who know nothing about a particular subject (infertility or adoption) but yet seem to defend their “opinions” to the core. And then there is us. Waiting. Joyfully at times. Frustrated at others. We HAVE NO CLUE where we’re going, but knowing it’s been pre-written by a ‘blessed controller’ (to quote Phillips) is enough.


  1. (((traci)))), bless your heart! I'd be a emotional mess! Of course I remember the days I was so naive. I didn't really have strong opinions, not knowing anything, but I did hear so much about "pg after adoption" (b/c, like a huge earthquake, it doesn't happen all the time!) I am so glad you reminded us that adoption is not second best. It is God's plan. It was for us, his children. His plan for us to be 'adopted'. He has written to us how important the orphans, the widows, the family less are to him. No, adoption is not a choice, it is a calling!
    (((BIG HUGS))) thinking of you lots! love, Miriam

  2. traci
    I feel very strong and could not agree with you more in regards to adoption and infertility. I can't tell you how many times people that had no idea about infertility as well as some women who had adopted and never had children tried to convince me of the same argument. I believe some people say such things because they don't know what else to say. As far as those women who had adopted and never got pregnant, I can only think that it had been many years that they forgot what it felt like to grieve over the loss of having a biological child. I felt that my pain was minimized because I wasn't ready to give up and turn toward adoption as being "my next and only option". I kept hearing that it didn't matter that they didn't give birth to this child that it was theirs. I don't mean to disagree but I was not in the place where I felt like I could ask God to take away the desire to be pregnant. Traci you are so often on my heart.Praying for you as I know that infertility is a daily reminder.