Sunday, August 09, 2009

The ugly truth

I’ve had a lot o’ blog topics in my head, and even started a few different posts that have been unfinished. But here we are, today. I had a wonderful day, with lovely people, watching my hubs and Jay have a blast. In the sunshine. And those lovely peeps brought me food. It was awesome. :)

But I’ve been in a bit of a rut. The last few weeks haven’t been the greatest. For one I’ve had a lot of Braxton Hicks which means more vertical time. And being constantly vertical can easily get depressing. I am tired of fast food, and tired of asking my overworked husband to cook us a healthy meal when he gets home from a long day. The summer is super busy for youth ministry and Jason has been gone a lot, which means I also hate allowing Jay to watch so much TV, and I hate seeing him as frustrated as I am about the fact that summer fun is passing us by as we sit on the couch. I feel guilty that the hubs has to try to do everything, from cleaning to working to lawn care and meal planning and laundry to working with our hyperactive child. I hate that so much is expected of him outside of our home, but then so much is expected of him once he walks in our door. This last week has been overly frustrating for all of us.

I know. Pity party. Table for one please.

This week I made a list of the positives and negatives of a 23 week bedrest sentence. And for every negative I added the positive of “each day we make it through is another day Ella grows stronger”. And that one positive obviously outweighs any negatives.

{But, HONESTLY, I can NOT wait to cook and clean and care for my home and husband and children again.}

Another issue is the issue of fear. My old friend Anne posted on this recently {she’s not old, I’ve just known her since I was like 11!} and I had to sort of chuckle b/c her words could have been mine. I have been thinking a lot about fear lately, and meditating on 2 Timothy 1:7 {KJV}.

In the beginning I feared my HCG levels wouldn’t be high enough. I feared the baby wasn’t growing. I feared there wouldn’t be a heartbeat. I feared something would go wrong with the cerclage surgery. I feared I’d go to an u/s to be told my cervix was pretty much gone. I feared my placenta sitting ontop of my weak and broken cervix. I fear pre-term labor. I know the stats and the medical knowledge of what each week means … but really, it means nothing. There’s really no “safe” place. I can fear a full term stillbirth. And then even when she is alive and well in my arms I can fear SIDS, or cancer or some crazy kid with a gun at her elementary school. In fact until recently, my thinking was "We're pregnant." NOT "We're having a baby" because anyone who has ever had a loss knows those are two very different things. I am finally starting to feel like I am going to have a baby {SURPRISE!} It really never ends, does it?

We have the right in Christ to have a SOUND MIND. In ANY circumstance. It is our right. He has not given me a spirit of fear.

But a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.

It’s time to take hostage my “rut” thoughts, isn’t it? It’s time to claim our right.

This is a season … a season of miracles at that.

And if we eat Taco Bell once a day for the next 15 weeks and Jay sees every Thomas the Train episode ever made … so be it; we will survive. And someday, I am sure we’ll laugh at it all. Someday.

2 comments:

  1. ((HUGS)) I don't blame you for being frustrated one bit and YES, that one little girl in your arms is going to make the whole journey totally worth it. Isn't that amazing!! Praying for you and your next 15 weeks! You can do it!!!!

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  2. Anonymous11:01 PM

    I am guiding you in the way of wisdom,
    and I am leading you on the right path.
    Nothing will hold you back;
    you will not be overwhelmed.
    -Proverbs 4:11-12

    In the midst of everything going on around you and the feeling that you have lost all control of the situations in front of you, please know that God PROMISES that you will not be overwhelmed.

    Hope you have an awesome day! :)

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