Friday, February 12, 2010

My Thin Place

I have no clue what his name was. He was wearing light scrubs and the sadness I found in his dark brown eyes is unfortunately forever embedded in my brain. He gripped my hand and spoke of things that all mothers fear. The moment I gave birth to my babies and the moment we buried them in the ground seem like one terribly long stormy day. I spent a very long time trying to make sense of what had happened and why. Eventually I turned it to my God and tried to make sense of Him in light of my new reality.

A couple of years later I sat on dewy grass, alone in the cemetery. I wasn’t there to grieve my daughters; I was there to meet with my God. I read and wept and stared and sat. I was done trying to understand. And it’s on that very day; in the midst of the dewy grass that understanding came. The answers I had been seeking I would never find. What I did find was a God who had been waiting for me to ask Him to intimately grieve with me. That afternoon I invited Him. He wanted me, just as I was. The anger and tears and confusion and the ugliness and the pain, He longed to be intimate with that. Once I allowed him in He brought complete joy. Beauty for ashes. Acceptance without understanding. In the moment, in the stillness, all the answers He knew I needed came. And it was enough. More than enough.


{{{{ this post is in response to the Thin Places Blog Tour. You can check out Thin Places: A Memoir by Mary E. DeMuth at Amazon!}}}}

5 comments:

  1. Dear Traci,

    I cried as I read your post. Your experience with our loving, tender God is so like mine. I have said, "God didn't give me answers; He gave me Himself." And that was what I needed most of all. If our God of Love is sovereign, which I know He is, He is caring for my baby and she is okay...more than okay. And in a strange kind of way, in the midst of my traumatic grief, there is JOY!

    Much love to you,

    Your sister in Christ, Angie

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  2. What a beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing your heart on the page.

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  3. beautiful.. I was just thinking the other day how you hadnt spoken much of the twins lately.. you speak so beautifully and lovingly about all your children :,)

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  4. Sometimes I wonder why these thin places have to be so hard. I feel like a child when I ask this question, but still, sometimes I ask. I am so grateful that He has come to you in this mother-grief. I feel so privileged to read this story.

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